Life, My Future, and Social Anxiety

I’m at a point right now where I have to make a decision. Do I want an AA? Do I want to transfer? I have to choose a goal. Even if I do choose to get an AA, I’m scared of choosing a major. It’s such a small reason but I’m scared of the classes I have to go through. Each class means a higher chance of having to do a presentation or speaking up in some way. I’m so scared.

Even if I graduated from a 4-year, I would then have to begin to worry about interviews. Thinking about it gives me butterflies in my stomach. I don’t know how I’ll ever get through one even though I’ve never had a real one. The only thing close has been a mock interview in high school. I think I’ll become completely blank when it comes to questions I don’t expect. Then what comes out next will be something that makes absolutely no sense. I’ll become flustered, lose focus, and just become really weird.

I can’t rely on my parents forever. I don’t want to be one of those people who lives with their parents until they’re 30. I need to learn how to be independent. I really feel like a baby sometimes. And spoiled. Not in the way that I get everything I want but in the way that I just… don’t really have to work much around the house and things like that.

The best thing that could ever happen for me is getting a stable job that pays decently where I don’t interact with people at all. And by being paid decently, I don’t ask for much. Just enough to pay rent for my own apartment, pay my bills, have money for food and other necessities, and slightly extra money to buy clothes and save up for something I want. I’m not obsessed with clothes but I feel ugly in old clothes after a while, and when I feel ugly in old clothes, I can’t walk around in public comfortably, and when I can’t do that, I feel really blah about myself and I just want to shove myself in a corner and never move again.

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