“Crazy”
For those of you that don’t know what that is, let me redirect you to one of my loves, the marvelous wikipedia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_anxiety
I know that it’s not all knowing and that sometimes wikipedia carries some incorrect information, but in this case, it’s all 100% there.
Basically (for those that didn’t read the article or got lost in wikipedia) what happens is thus. Whenever I encounter a social experience I get all nervous. Now, this usually goes away but from time to time and in different situations, this nervousness turns into full fledged irrational fear, complete with sweaty hands, shaking, palpitations…the works. As you can imagine, that is not something that you want to happen, especially if you are a “legal adult” like me who has to work and *gasp* live in a world filled with other humans… Want to know a funny thing? I actually like being “near” people but not be “with” them. I’ve always wondered about that, and I think that now I know. Social anxiety. How funny life is, me, the communications major, having major communications problems
Hey, I liked how that turned up.
Anyway, I work at a callcenter doing Tech Support over the phone. And you have no idea how hard it is for me to take the calls now. It’s actually pretty stupid because I’ve been doing this for years and never before I found myself dreading the next coming call. Oh yes, before I was just mildly annoyed, hehe. But now… let’s just say that I’m finally getting to the point of today’s blog. I don’t want to go to work. Not as in just skip one day and return monday. I want to quit… Get away from one of the main sources of fear. Go back when I’m ready to take the heat. Just thinking about going to the office makes my stomach churn. So far, I’ve steeled myself and managed to show up at work on time ( btw, I’m an obsessive time keeper. I don’t like to arrive late to anywhere ) and though I *think* I’ve been doing a decent job, my performance has been somewhat lacking. I’ve not had any RVT’s ( calls in which I fix the issue ) or RPC’s ( Calls in which I manage to sell something ) in a week or two and my other metrics are failing as well. My brain, on the other hand, is sending me signals that tell me that my bosses are shaking their heads at my back, saying “we’ll soon get rid of Hugo” and that somehow things have been arranged so that I get not calls that I can fix. ( yeah, I *know* it’s stupid to think like that, and it’s also irrational… and yet I think about it and somehow believe it!! I think Big Brother would be so proud of this little one, as it appears I can doublethink quite well )
And yeah. Supervisors actually have not told me anything like ” you are on a fine line, shape up” or anything like that, so I have to assume that if they don’t tell me anything, then at least things are normal and I’m not about to get das boot from the company. And yet again, the irrational thinking my brain sends is “oh, but they are thinking about that, they just wont tell you”. Grrr, I hate my brain and it’s crosswiredness… and I hope that I can continue and finish my newly started psi therapy. The Doctor seems to know quite a lot and he gave me confidence about the future.
Read more at: http://kuusou.wordpress.com/2007/06/30/crazy/.
