Social Anxiety/Phobia Support – Episode 4: Business As Unusual

Damn it! What an awful week… I had one of those days on Monday when everything went pear shaped and while talking to a client a put my foot squarely in my mouth. I kicked my butt for days after that and its been a downward spiral since. I dont know about the rest of you reading this but I really have to concentrate and almost turn off my thoughts to prevent Ann from talking to me.

You know how in TV programs how you have an evil red horned beast on one shoulder and an angel on the other whispering in your ear… Well thats how I feel about Ann and Ike – They are both always there but Ann just has the loudest voice at the moment.

On Tuesday I had to get dressed 4 times because I thought I looked ridiculous, Ann kept on chirping in my ear and reinforced it with repeated beligerance.

waseem_left-year-4 You look ridiculous, you fat ugly oaf, how about you get dressed in a sack and put a paper bag over your head and a sock in your mouth while your at it! waseem_right-year-4

You look ridiculous, you fat ugly oaf, how about you get dressed in a sack and put a paper bag over your head and a sock in your mouth while your at it!

The same day at lunch time I spilled a Souvlaki all over the front of my nicely pressed shirt (typical) which made me even more self concious! *** Mental Note – Skip having Souvlaki for lunch ***  So that made me feel even nore self concious for the rest of the day. I got home all wound up and grumped at everyone – I was mentally drained, I had stripp;ed myself of so much dignity and thought about every possible way I could be humiliated that day I had

My work history and situation is rather unique – actually probably not that unique for all you SA sufferers. I have had to quit 3 out of 4 of my last jobs (very high paying numbers too) because of Ann. Some days I just couldnt take it and I needed a day and then that day turns into 2,3 or 10 days and things start unravelling from there. Don’t get me wrong I can mask Ann VERY VERY well and have 1001 excuses for every little anxiety provoking situation, but I still feel bad about lying to people about it.

I now work from home which makes things easier for me and Im actually growing a rather nice business, my only problem is calling and meeting those blasted clients, why can’t they just pay me and email me what they want – thatd be much easier (Im Joking)!

Working from home is a rather mixed blessing, on one hand if Im having a bad day I can shut up shop on the other I feel isolated and my hours can be much longer. Its this double edged sword I need to sort out – what the heck am I doing with my career – Im hoping to find some stability and guidance over the next few months and start exploring some new options. At present Im ruled by deadlines, and of course the Anxiety so Im walking a fine line some weeks to make sufficient money to live but other weeks I have an abundance – that instability feels bad for me – I MUST HAVE EVERYTHING PLANNED AND LISTED!!! (I bet that sounds familiar to some of you).

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